Regret and Guilt

This morning I woke up with a horrible feeling of regret and guilt. You see, I got a text last night (very, very late) which woke me up. The texter was asking me whether I was awake. Clearly I was, as the sound woke me. I however did not reply. This person is not immediate family or my boyfriend so I thought it better not to respond as I have had my fair share of late night drunken phone calls.

Fifteen minutes later my phone starts ringing. I awoke with a start, saw the caller id, and put my phone on silent. I felt this was the right thing to do. I shouldn’t answer my phone in the middle of the night from a man who is not my boyfriend. My first instinct is to ignore it, because I know what late night phone calls can turn into.

Yet, this morning when I got up from work, a pang of guilt hit me like a baseball bat. I had not thought that this guy might have needed to talk. You see, a very long time ago we were friends that turned into a very emotionally intimate friendship. But we has massive fight, and we hadn’t spoken for more than three years. I have remained close with his family. I therefore know that his mother has cancer for the sixth time, and it is incredibly sad and tough. I saw him a little while ago when he came back into my town to be with his family. And for the first time in years we talked and had honest conversation about what happened. And he sincerely apologised for his role in the break-up and so did I. But it was a big step for him, and I greatly appreciated it. So when I woke up this morning the thought struck me that he might very well have needed to talk to someone who wouldn’t judge him for being emotional and vulnerable.

I’m now stuck with this feeling of regret and guilt that I hadn’t responded. I don’t know what he wanted. I texted back when I got to work, and if he really needed to TALK to me, then he’ll text back. Right? I hope so. I want people to be good and honourable, I don’t want to find out that he had ulterior motives. I know he knows I’m in a committed relationship, and I so hope he isn’t trying to infringe on that. I want to be a good friend (I have too few as it is), but I’m not willing to sacrifice my relationship for it. I shouldn’t.

I needed to get that off my chest.

Much Love

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