Old habits die hard.

I thought I broke the vicious chain of eating. I know it’s terrible to stop eating completely. I know this. But honestly, it gets me the fastest results. And yes, I know it’s very hard to sustain. Obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing about this today.

I admit, I am an emotional eater. And these last two weeks have been rough. It feels like the universe has decided to punish me for some reason unknown to me. So it has chewed me up, and spit me out, and here I am. Eating again. I turn to food, because it is the only constant I know. It’s always there if I need it, and it makes me feel better. It’s sad, I know.  But there are few comforts better than feeling the warmth of food working its way down to my tummy. I love the explosion of taste in my mouth. I don’t know where my addiction to food came from, but my sisters have it too. We all have a connection to food that’s kind of disheartening. I see the bad habits that I have, rubbed off on the youngest one, and I feel sad. Because being attached to food is a life-long sentence, and it’s almost impossible to get parole.

I eat when I’m sad. When I’m stressed. When I’m happy, around friends, or alone. I even eat sometimes when I’m bored. Because I hate being alone, the act of eating makes me feel less lonely.

I almost broke the habit, almost. I’m sure I can do it again. The odd thing is, though I have been eating the past two weeks, I feel fatter, I look fatter, but my weight has stayed the same. It’s odd. I do know that I need help. But I don’t want the kind of help that delves into why I eat and blah blah blah…I know the psychological triggers that make me eat. I just need the kick in the ass to get going again with the less eating plan. I’m also considering buying weights, because Lord knows, I don’t want to lose all this weight and be flabby. That would just send me over the cliff and you’d find me a month later, covered in junk food containers, sitting in a dark room, crying. And eating.

So today, I will be spending the bulk of my day, looking for work, but also looking for healthy but tasty recipes, and then making my shopping list and going to buy it. Because even if I decide to stop eating completely, the young one is in the middle of her final exams, and she needs nutrition. Proper food.

I owe her atleast that.


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